


a challenged faith

by LiveLaughLovex



Category: Blue Bloods (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:00:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24511186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiveLaughLovex/pseuds/LiveLaughLovex
Summary: After learning the truth of his parentage, Joe has a conversation with his mother.
Comments: 13
Kudos: 34





	a challenged faith

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cloudkicker09](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cloudkicker09/gifts).



> The title comes from a quote by Louisa May Alcott: "Happy is the son whose faith in his mother remains unchallenged." 
> 
> \---
> 
> Dedicated to the lovely CloudKicker09, for their idea to write a confrontation scene between Joe and his mother. I hope you like it!

“Did he know?”

His mother glanced up from the book in her lap, eyes wide and filled with confusion as she took him in, caught sight of the poorly hidden anger visible in his gaze, in every angle of his face. “Did _who_ know?”

“Joe Reagan,” Joe said slowly, guilt churning in his gut as the woman who’d raised him flinched slightly at the mention of the man who’d fathered him. “Did you ever tell him he had a son?”

“I…no,” she admitted quietly, clenching her hands tightly together as her gaze shifted to her lap. “I never told him.”

He nodded once at that, blinking rapidly to dispel the tears gathering in his eyes – green eyes, just like hers, and the only part of him that was truly Hill – and then sinking tiredly into the chair opposite her. “Were you… were you trying to protect me?” he asked quietly, part of him hoping she’d say that she was. As angry as he was at her in that moment, she was still his mother, and he found himself desperate for even the most mundane reason to forgive her. “Was he… was he a bad person? Did he… did he hurt you, or…” 

“No,” she said adamantly, looking horrified at even the idea of her son believing his father had ever once raised a hand to her. “No, Joe, it wasn’t… your father was _good_. He was a good man. He never would’ve hurt either one of us.”

“Then why didn’t you tell him?” Joe demanded hoarsely, unable to understand his mother’s motives.

Paula sighed quietly. “Because while he was good, he was also honorable. Reagan boys don’t get girls pregnant and _not_ marry them. It’s just not the way they’re wired. And I liked your dad, Joey, I did, but we weren’t any great love story. He wasn’t the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And, well, I knew if I ever told him about you, he’d immediately propose, and I wouldn’t want to tell him no because I wouldn’t want to hurt him…”

Joe scoffed derisively at that, shaking his head. “From what I’ve heard of my father, Mom, I don’t think finding out he’d missed out on raising his son would’ve hurt him any _less_.”

“Joey,” his mother said weakly, eyeing him with an unfamiliar defeat in her gaze, “I didn’t mean to…”

“I started asking you about him when I was _four_ , Mom,” he reminded her, voice breaking toward the end of the sentence. “He lived for another decade after that, and you never thought to – to call him?”

“Of course, I did, Joey, but it’d already been too long…”

“No, it hadn’t,” he snapped, causing her glistening eyes to fly to his. “It hadn’t been too long, Mom. Not then. The day he died. The day he was _murdered_. _That_ was the day it’d been too long. I mean, he was – his picture was plastered _everywhere_ , Mom. The commissioner’s oldest son, gunned down in the line of duty. The whole neighborhood was in mourning, and you still – you didn’t say _anything_.”

“I didn’t know what it would help at that point, Joe,” she said desperately, tears streaming down her cheeks as she gazed up at him imploringly. “To tell you your father was dead, to ask you to mourn this man you’d never met… I didn’t think it’d be good for you.”

“You also didn’t think knowing my father would be good for me,” he reminded her pointedly. “You were wrong about that, too.”

“I didn’t do it to hurt you,” she insisted shakily. “Or him. I was just…”

“You were just doing what you wanted,” he finished quietly, standing slowly from his seat. “And I never thought you did it to hurt us, Mom. I’m pretty sure you did it without thinking about us. About me, your son, or the man who’d – he had _rights_ , Mom. If he was as good a man as you say he was, then he should have been given the chance to be involved. I should’ve been given the chance to – to know my _dad_.”

“You did,” she agreed quickly, moving to stand from her own seat. “You absolutely did, Joe, and I’m so sorry, sweetheart, I _am_ …”

He raised a hand to silence her before she could say any more, finding he really didn’t want to hear any more of her reasons. At that point, it was clear they were nothing more than excuses. “I didn’t actually come over here to…” He trailed off, unsure of what he was trying to say. “I just wanted to let you know I’m going to be having Sunday dinner with the Reagans every week, that’s all. Grandma already said she had no issue with moving the Hill family dinners to Saturday nights, so…”

“You spoke with your grandmother about this?” his mother asked, surprised.

“I did. She thinks it’s a good idea, me getting to know the Reagans. Grandpa and the Commissioner are friends, apparently, and…” He sighed quietly, meeting his mother’s gaze. “Grandma and Grandpa, they didn’t know either, did they?”

“My father saw me getting pregnant and leaving the Academy as _dishonorable_ ,” she said bleakly. “He knew Frank Reagan well enough to know his son never would’ve gotten me pregnant and left me, so I just – I didn’t tell them, either. And I’m glad I didn’t marry into that family, Joe, because Frank Reagan doesn’t protect his family…”

“What are you talking about, Mom?” he questioned exasperatedly, eyes widening as he caught sight of the guilty look on her face. “ _Please_ tell me you didn’t ask him to transfer me.”

“Allowing you to stay in that unit when his own son was gunned down in the line of duty isn’t something a loving grandfather would do, Joseph!”

“My father knew what he was getting into when he took that oath, Mom, same as I did,” Joe muttered furiously. “I worked my ass off to get to where I am. I knew you didn’t approve – you made no secret of that – but I never thought you’d do something like this. I never thought you’d try to go behind my back.”

“That isn’t what I meant to do, Joe…”

“Yeah, but you did it,” he pointed out tiredly. “So it doesn’t really matter what you _meant_ to do, Mom.” He stood slowly from his seat, glancing away from his mother’s face before he could catch sight of her heartbreak. “Look, Mom, I’m going to go. I have… I’ve got work in the morning.”

“Okay,” his mother nodded quickly, standing up herself. “Well, I’ll see you soon, though, won’t I? I’ll see you…”

“Saturday,” he cut in firmly. “I’ll see you at Grandma and Grandpa’s for supper on Saturday, alright?”

She opened her mouth, likely to protest, then seemed to decide against it, simply nodding instead. “I’ll see you Saturday,” she echoed quietly.

He leaned in to kiss her cheek, the same as he did every time he visited. “I love you, Mom,” he said as he pulled away, also as he always did, but there was a certain sadness in the words, a certain lack of trust, that he’d never felt before.

“I love you too, Joseph,” she said seriously, hugging him tightly before releasing him and allowing him to exit her home – the home he’d grown up in, the home that suddenly felt completely filled with lies.

And that was the hardest part of it all, Joe lamented to himself. He didn’t doubt his mother loved him. He was just rather heartbroken that _this_ was her idea of love.

**Author's Note:**

> Look, I don't like Paula Hill. I don't like her choices, and I don't like her reasons for making those choices. That being said, I'm aware Joe would not feel the same way about it. Yes, he is upset, and yes, he is angry, and YES, he is questioning everything he thought he knew, but Paula is still his mother. Our parents have a hold on us that is unparalleled, and I can't really see him completely turning his back on her, especially seeing as, like it or not, she's the only parent he's got left. 
> 
> Now that I've got that out of the way, thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed.


End file.
